Okay, so it's not quite a new year yet. And guess what: that post that I mentioned, the one that would wake me up at night, that I wouldn't be able to help writing? I think I have an idea. I'm a bit tired at the moment and my brain isn't working, but I'll try to put it up in a few days. Guess I couldn't stay away too long.

I've been going through some pretty big changes this year, obviously. One of those changes that hit home to me recently is the way that I once identified as "Elsie" as much as "Alicia," but I no longer do. "Elsie" is too much of a little-girl type name, and it has too many painful associations. (NOTE: For all of you who always only knew me as "Elsie," you have my total permission to keep on using it. You know who you are. Take me at my word: it doesn't hurt when it comes from you. I just don't want new friends starting to use "Elsie.")

There's a race of people in Janet Kagan's "Uhura's Song" called the Sivaoans. One of their customs is to take a Walk through deep forest, and upon its conclusion, one is an adult and can choose a new Name. I decided that this year has been my Walk. Mesa has need of another adult, may I Walk in safety and arrive in maturity. The Name I've chosen is Talia to-Ennien : Talia after the first Herald ever written in Mercedes Lackey's Queen's Own, to-Ennien after Sunfall to-Ennien, the greatest bard Sivao has ever known. (Note: I pronounce "Talia" rhyming with "dahlia." You're welcome to use it, although you're welcome to use "Alicia," too. And that has two pronunciations as well -- I pronounce it rhyming with "Tricia," but there are people who pronounce it rhyming with "Leesha" too, and that's totally fine with me as well.)

Hope I didn't confuse anybody...I'm beginning the very long process of switching over all my accounts from "Elsie," and it is going to be a royal Pain In The Neck, lol. I'm still going to be absent for the next week anyway, since I have Thanksgiving coming up, and since I have yet to boot up my new computer and start all the program downloading processes (that's tomorrow's project).

I'm making a brand-new yuku identity. I'll be using it for LK's Robin Hood community. I've come to the painful decision to leave XOC. I wish it hadn't come to this. I had many years there where I learned more about human interrelationships and general social skills than I ever have in one place in my life. I made so many friends. Many of whom are still in my life, and I hope you all stay, and just grow closer and closer. I'm going to be grateful to the community for the rest of my life. If it hadn't been for you, I never would have known what fandom was. I never would have fallen so much more deeply in love with my favorite story of all time...I never would have had the chance to discuss Xena in the same way I discussed classical literature in school...I probably wouldn't be using my instant messenger or sending telephone text messages at all...I wouldn't have friends all over the country and outside of it. Deciding to leave was not easy for me. And it's not directly any of your fault. I've made friendships there that have fallen apart too, and it just got to the place where I'm so worn out that any more reminders just cause more pain. I'm not closing the door forever. I'm keeping my old "elsieaustin" yuku account too (using a different email address to open a new one), so if I ever decide to dust it off and use it on XOC again, I'll be able to.

I think that's enough meandering for tonight! Hopefully you all will see even more changes in a few minutes -- I'm going to get all the books out of the boxes and locate the quotes that I want to use for my journal profile.

This will be my last post for awhile. And I've disabled comments, because for once in my life, I don't want discussion. It just seemed that this would be the best way to clear up some things in a global sense, rather than having to email people individually.

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I'll make my next post when a religious essay wakes me up at night. When I have the "I really don't want to write this and yet I absolutely can't help it" feeling. Until then, I pledge to spend at least some time every day reading and leaving comments so I don't get too far behind, and reading the XOC and RH forums and working on forming connections again. And rowan_d has a Stargate idea that she says I can help with -- *bounces*.

Until then, I am going to be okay. I just reread that last sentence about the stone wall. I thought of Peter David's Rock and a Hard Place, how one of the things Commander Stone claimed his scars came from was being thrown through a window as a child. I thought about the connection between physical and emotional pain, and the different connections between the scars, and how sometimes...I'm not sure how many of you think this exact same way...but how it all works together in a way that is beautiful, and it's that kind of stark, cold beauty that makes fandoms and angst and...life and thought and stories, worth it.

I'm going to come out of this. I can even see the fragments of the way forward right now. It's just going to take awhile, and in the meantime, don't be too surprised if you don't hear a lot from me. I won't push you away -- I'll thank you; I feel really lonely right now -- but I don't have a lot of energy to initiate reaching out anymore. Not right now. Soon.

To everyone who called me, emailed me, texted me -- rowan_d, ladychi, xenasgrrl -- *HUGS* Don't know what I'd do without ya. Thanks. And dreamer_98, hope I get to talk to you again soon -- don't let me just slip away and keep my IM off, ok? I care about you a great deal, and I'm so glad we've talked so much more these past few days. And to everyone I forgot to mention: I'm sorry, and I'll be around as much as I can, ok? Peace be with you all.

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Hey, look, I'm a giant Care Bear! CARE BEAR STARE!!!!!! (No, I will never grow up.)


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Today was just an all-around really good day.

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I'm taking a bit of a break from livejournaling. Except for posting the meme prizes and my Halloween pictures -- I'll do that on Friday. And I'll be back. But right now -- I just feel like it's more important to concentrate on the individual people in my life than to post essays in a more - or - less public forum. I'm way behind on reading, and I still have not posted anything substantial on XOC since getting home. So although my responsibilities have increased, if anything my ability to do several things at once has decreased -- I find I'm having so much fun talking on IM that I'm not concentrating on anything else on the screen, and my email inbox is out of control again. :) So it's mostly due to lack of time. I am also still figuring out how this community works. I mean, unlike me (I do have this tendency to monologue... :) ) most of my f-list sticks to shorter posts, about events and such, current events, articles, etc. I've been driving myself crazy wondering why there weren't more comments, when I've had so many really cool IM discussions about some of the things I've been posting ... and I don't know what I expect, really. I'm still figuring out how online communities work in general. I kinda plunged in with both feet on XOC, and when I first started talking with lavender_jane, somehow it started to seem like it was the expectation for friendship that you'd post back and forth, send emails, talk on IM and text all the time -- and I adapted to that, so I'm still trying to understand how it works. It's too easy to get overwhelmed, and if this wasn't fun, we wouldn't do it. Sometimes I'll open up my lj to try to work through something, but I think I'm going to try starting to use my private journal again and see what happens...what I find out when I just start writing, with no expectation of others reading it. So I'll be back, I can't promise when. In the meantime, I solemnly swear I will do better leaving comments, and catching up on all the posts I missed.

I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountain I can't climb
...I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, I will lift my eyes

Same meme -- this time, I would be glad to ask you questions (please indicate in your comment if you'd like to be interviewed, or if you're just commenting) -- I'm going to be taking a break from livejournaling for a little while just 'cause there's so much to be done online!

Here's the questions I got from plaid_slytherin:
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Two weeks ago I didn't know you existed. Now you might just be my all-time favorite band.

Wellll...I have such trouble saying "favorite" for music since that's so personal depending on so many different things and so many moments. But you can have a lot of "absolutely unique and impacted my life" bands.

That's all.

Well, not quite (I know, there are some still waiting to see me put in a genuine one-paragraph post!). But I think I might have found a new personal theme song in Riddletm's "Homesick."
There’s no time for indecision
The Dark Lord’s on the move
And we’ll all do this together
It’ll all be over soon
Please just trust me like you have for all these years
I know you’re homesick
But don’t you think that this is worth it?

*sighs happily*

How much time to your home when I start turning wrong?
Second star in the handle, will I ever forget?
What replaying will 'Move or Move Me,' one more song?
Can I reread the cookbook again, or lose it?
How long 'till I forget turning cartwheels through trees?
When will I stop imagining Jordan's last choice?
How much time does it take to go back to bleak seas
of a colorless life? When will I lose your voice?
Could I bring myself to delete poetry files?
Could I make myself take your name out of my phone?
Could erase all the time we spent, all of the miles,
could accept this regret -- someone else -- all alone.
Inner house full of echoing halls and rooms locked.
But when healing rain falls, I won't shut it away.
Every memory rusts, and true healing is blocked.
I'm afraid to let go, but I don't want to stay.
So I'll stay, and I'll look up while pointing below.
when the rain threatens new fires I won't let it douse.
Quiet, there's just one thing that I still need to know.
How long 'till I forget the way, finding your house?
Never.
I'll let go, but I'll never forget.

The original intent of the meme was to advertise for questions in turn...I just don't have the energy to do a long exchange meme right now, especially when I still owe prizes to dreamer_98 and alucard. But, Chi sent me some questions, so rather than doing homework...

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* I just skimmed through my f-list. Saw a ton of things that I wanted to respond to, and my brain would not work. I'll make it up to you all later on in the week, I promise.

* My Gazelle is up, and tomorrow I am going to watch my first episode of Robin Hood on it. LadyKate and I have plans. I'm gonna get home from tutoring, binge on Robin Hood and then get on IM and gush with LK.

* I also skimmed XOC: see comment number one. Brain's just not working. I will also make it up to you all later on in the week.

* I bought my plane ticket to see rowan_d today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be gone from Nov 9 through Nov 16, one full week, and I am so excited I can hardly sit still in my chair.

* Which is good, since the rest of the day's been more or less rotten. I hate technology. My phone's acting goofy now -- it won't always show the right screen when I flip it open -- and sometimes it won't answer when I push the button. Then it took an entire hour to get my textbook to open, and Accounting was a pain in the neck, and I almost lost my ipod -- went to and from my apartment twice looking for it, before I finally found it in the inside pocket of my purse (and said, "Thank You, Lord").

* I'm only working tomorrow. After that, it's up to Officeteam again. I'm sorta hoping they'll give me a bit more time off to unpack my apartment, which is still a royal mess. (They said there's not much available in the realm of temp jobs...).

* My awesome grandma just forgave me the money I still owe her from the loan I asked for to go to the Xena convention in England last year. I have a very nice thank-you card to make.

* I hesitate to mention this because it seems like when I do, that's all anyone comments on -- but I'm 17% into Wizard's First Rule by my Kindle counter, right at the part where they're camping near the boundary. I'm enjoying it a lot. I really don't think I have anything to go on since it's been so long since I made regular time for reading. But I'm intrigued by the premise and I love the people, and that's good enough for me. My LoTS DVDs came a few days ago, but I'm watching Robin Hood first.

* Spent half the night last night downloading Wizard Rock (soooo did not need a new obsession :P). I've spent all evening working on schoolwork and listening to Riddletm. They're heart-stoppingly lovely. I know they're singing about Harry Potter...but goodness, they sing about the veil, and about homesickness and tasks, and they have one song about Snape in Lily's voice (and capture it letter-perfect)...and their voices soar above the piano and violin, and I'm entranced. "Chapter 34" has been on repeat in my car to rival "Our Farewell."

* Did I mention I'm going to see rowan_d in less than a month??? !!!